The war has radically changed the lives of millions of Ukrainians. Along with the pain of losses, uncertainty about the future, and the need to adapt to a new life, many families have faced an unexpected challenge — a relationship crisis. Migration has become a kind of strength test for many couples, and, unfortunately, not all have passed it.
Why migration destroys relationships
Moving to a new country is always stressful, even under ordinary circumstances. And when it happens under war conditions, stress increases many times over. Partners find themselves in different circumstances: someone stays in Ukraine, someone leaves with children, someone works abroad. Different realities create different needs, priorities, and views on the future.
Women with children who find themselves in a new country often feel lonely. They have to cope with adaptation, learning the language, finding a job, enrolling children in school. At the same time, the partner may be physically far away, emotionally unavailable, or simply not understand the scale of challenges she faces daily.
Men who have remained in Ukraine are also going through a difficult period. They may feel guilt for not being near their family, anger at the circumstances that separated them, or even jealousy of their wife’s new life. Sometimes this leads to accusations: “You live there in safety, and I’m here risking my life”.
When a relationship has really ended
It’s important to distinguish between temporary difficulties and a real relationship crisis. Temporary difficulties are when a couple is ready to work on the relationship, seek compromises, support each other even at a distance. A real crisis is when people understand that they have become complete strangers, that their values, dreams, and plans for the future differ radically.
Signs that a relationship has really ended:
- Lack of desire to communicate with the partner
- Irritation from his voice or messages
- Feeling of relief when you don’t have to talk to him
- Future plans don’t include the partner
- Lack of emotional connection and intimacy
How to divorce with dignity
If the relationship has really ended, it’s important to end it with dignity: Honest conversation about ending the relationship
The most difficult thing is the first conversation. It’s worth choosing a calm time when both partners can give attention to the conversation. It’s important to talk about your feelings, not to accuse. Instead of “You don’t understand me” it’s better to say “I feel that we’ve lost connection”.
Discussion of the children’s future (if there are any)
Children always remain a priority. It’s necessary to agree on how they will communicate with each parent, who will be responsible for what, how issues of education and upbringing will be resolved. It’s important that children don’t become hostages of adult conflicts.
Division of common property
This is always a difficult question, especially when property is located in different countries. It’s worth making a list of all common property and agreeing on a fair division. Sometimes it’s advisable to involve lawyers, especially if there’s real estate or significant savings.
Preserving respect for each other
Even if the relationship has ended, it doesn’t mean you have to become enemies. The person with whom you spent years of your life deserves respect. You shouldn’t tell everyone about their shortcomings or mistakes.
Possibility of remaining friends
Not all former couples can become friends, and that’s normal. But if there are children, it’s worth at least maintaining civilized relations. Sometimes friendship can be restored after years, when emotions have subsided.
Working with guilt
Often the person who initiates the divorce feels strong guilt. Especially if the partner remains in Ukraine under difficult conditions. It’s important to understand: leaving a relationship that is already dead is not betrayal, but honesty.
Guilt can arise for various reasons:
- “I’m leaving him/her in a difficult time”
- “I’m destroying the family”
- “The children will suffer”
- “What will people say?”
It’s important to remember that guilt is a normal emotion, but it shouldn’t control decisions. If the relationship has really ended, continuing it will only cause more pain to all participants. Children feel the tension between parents, and this affects them worse than an honest divorce.
New relationships during the war
The dilemma of fidelity
The question of new relationships during the war is one of the most painful. Especially for women who find themselves in a new country. They may feel a need for support, understanding, closeness that they don’t receive from their partner.
Society often condemns women for new relationships during the war. “How can you, when your husband is at war?” people say. But the reality is that human needs for love, support, and closeness don’t disappear because a war is ongoing.
Are new relationships possible?
Yes, they are possible. And this doesn’t always mean betrayal. Sometimes new relationships are a recognition that the old ones have already ended. It’s important to act honestly: first end the old relationships, then start new ones.
Steps toward new relationships:
- Honestly assess the state of current relationships
- If they’re dead — end them
- Give yourself time for reflection and recovery
- Only after that open yourself to new relationships Features of new relationships
New relationships during the war have features:
They often begin from a need for support
A person in a difficult situation especially needs support. Sometimes what seems like love is actually gratitude for help. It’s important to distinguish these feelings.
They can be very intense due to extreme circumstances
Extreme situations amplify emotions. What seems like great love may turn out to be a consequence of stress. It’s worth giving yourself time to understand the authenticity of feelings.
They carry the imprint of trauma
War traumatizes everyone. New relationships can be a way to overcome trauma, but can also deepen it if the person isn’t ready for closeness.
They can be a way to escape from pain
Sometimes new relationships are a way not to think about problems. But problems don’t disappear from this, they’re only postponed.
How to build healthy new relationships
If you’ve decided that you’re ready for new relationships, it’s important to: Be honest with yourself and your partner
Tell about your situation, about what you’re experiencing. Don’t try to seem better than you actually are.
Not rush into serious decisions
Give yourself time to get to know the person in different situations. Don’t make decisions about living together on a wave of emotions.
Work on yourself
If you haven’t overcome the trauma from previous relationships or the war, new relationships won’t solve your problems.
Not use a person as a “band-aid”
If you’re just lonely or hurt, you shouldn’t drag another person into a relationship that has no future.
Children in new relationships
How to explain to children
If a woman starts a new relationship, this requires a delicate approach to children:
Honesty according to the child’s age
For young children, it’s enough to say that mom has a friend who helps her. Older children can be given a more detailed explanation of the situation, but without unnecessary details.
Explaining that love for the father and love for a new person are different things
Children may think that mom has stopped loving dad. It’s important to explain that love for the father will always remain, but sometimes people can’t be together.
Creating comfort for the child in the new situation
The child shouldn’t feel that they’re unwanted. The new person must respect their needs and not try to replace the father.
Preserving connection with the father
Regardless of the relationship with the new partner, the child has the right to communicate with the father. This shouldn’t be limited because of personal grievances.
Loyalty conflict
Children may feel a loyalty conflict between parents. It’s important to explain that they don’t have to choose sides, that they can love both parents.
Signs of loyalty conflict:
- The child is afraid to tell one parent about communication with the other
- They feel guilty for liking mom’s new partner
- They react aggressively to mentions of the father or new person How to help the child:
- Talk with them about their feelings
- Explain that they’re not guilty of the parents’ divorce
- Don’t force them to choose between parents
- Don’t speak badly about the former partner Legal aspects of divorce in migration Where to file for divorce
If spouses are in different countries, the question arises: where to file for divorce? Usually you can file where the marriage was registered, or where one of the spouses resides.
It’s worth clarifying:
- Whether a divorce formalized in another country is recognized in Ukraine
- What documents are needed for divorce
- How long the procedure takes
- Whether the presence of both spouses is required
Alimony and child support
The question of child support is especially complicated if parents are in different countries. It’s important to:
- Clarify what legislation applies
- Agree on the amount of alimony
- Determine the currency of payments
- Agree on the method of money transfer
Division of property
If property is located in different countries, its division can be complicated. It’s worth:
- Making a complete list of property
- Determining its value
- Agreeing on the principles of division
- Formalizing agreements legally
Psychological support
Divorce is always stressful. It’s worth turning to a psychologist if:
- You can’t make decisions
- You constantly feel guilt or anger
- You can’t explain the situation to children
- Relations with the former partner are very conflicted
- You can’t start a new life Beginning of a new life Accepting the decision
The most important thing is to accept the decision and not constantly doubt it. If you’ve decided to divorce, don’t torture yourself with thoughts of “what if”.
Move forward.
New goals and dreams
Divorce is not the end of life, but the beginning of a new stage. It’s worth:
- Setting new goals for yourself
- Finding new interests
- Building a new circle of communication
- Taking care of your development
Creating a new home
If you’re staying in the new country, it’s important to create a sense of home. This can be:
- Learning the language
- Getting to know the culture
- Creating coziness in the dwelling
- Establishing new traditions
Positive thinking
It’s important to focus on positive aspects:
- You’ve received the opportunity to start with a clean slate
- Your children see a strong mom who doesn’t give up
- You’re gaining new experience
- You’re becoming more independent
Divorce in migration is a difficult process that requires a lot of strength and courage. But it’s important to remember: if the relationship has really ended, its ending is not a defeat, but an opportunity to start a new life.
The main thing is to act honestly, preserve dignity, think about the children, and not be afraid to ask for help. The war has changed many things, but the right to happiness remains unchanged for every person.
Remember: you’re not guilty that circumstances turned out this way. You have the right to love, support, and happiness. And if old relationships can’t give this, don’t be afraid to seek new opportunities.
Life continues, and it can be beautiful even after divorce. The main thing is to believe in yourself and not give up.