After February 24, 2022, millions of Ukrainian women with children were forced to leave their homes, fleeing from the war started by Russia. In new countries—such as Switzerland, Germany, Poland—they became not only mothers to their children but also coordinators, psychologists, and advocates. But behind the external activity and “successful adaptation,” deep exhaustion is often hidden, a state that can be described as “the powerlessness of the strong.”

This term is not a metaphor but a description of a psychological phenomenon: women who function in survival mode for a long time gradually lose their ability to recover, even if externally “everything has worked out.” And if society expects mothers to be heroes, these heroes often have nowhere to fall and say: “I can’t do this anymore.” And children, as sensitive mirrors, reflect the invisible fatigue and pain.

The Neurobiology of Survival: What Happens in the Brain of a Traumatized Mother

When a person finds themselves in extreme conditions, their brain restructures itself for survival. This process has profound consequences for maternal functioning.

Transformation of Brain Structures

The amygdala—the center of fear and threat—increases in size and becomes hyperactive. This means that the mother constantly scans her surroundings for danger, even where there is none. Ordinary everyday situations—a line at the store, a phone ringing, a child crying—can trigger a disproportionately strong stress response.

The hippocampus—the area of memory and spatial orientation—conversely, shrinks. Research by neurobiologist Robert Sapolsky showed that chronic stress can reduce hippocampal volume by 15-20%. This explains why people complain of memory deterioration, confusion, and a feeling of “brain fog.”

The prefrontal cortex—the area of planning, decision-making, and emotional regulation—is partially “shut down.” This is evolutionarily justified: in a moment of threat, thinking for a long time is dangerous; one must act quickly. But when this state becomes chronic, a person loses the ability for strategic thinking, self-analysis, and long-term planning.

Hormonal Imbalance

Cortisol—the stress hormone—when chronically released not only depletes the adrenal glands but also suppresses the production of serotonin and dopamine. This leads to lowered mood, loss of motivation, and anhedonia (inability to experience pleasure in life).

 

Oxytocin—the hormone of attachment and motherhood—also decreases. The paradox: the more the mother tries to “hold it together for the children,” the harder it is for her to feel natural maternal joy and closeness.

Adrenaline and noradrenaline maintain a state of constant mobilization. This explains why mothers cannot relax even in a safe environment—their body is still ready for flight or fight.

Somatic Manifestations of Psychological Trauma

The body always “remembers” trauma, even if consciousness tries to repress it. In mothers who have experienced war and forced migration, specific somatic symptoms are observed.

Cardiovascular System

Hypertension, arrhythmia, feeling of tightness in the chest—typical manifestations of chronic stress. Research by cardiologist Robert Eliot showed that women who have experienced traumatic events have a 40% higher risk of developing coronary heart disease.

Immune System

Chronic stress suppresses immunity. Mothers get sick more often with acute respiratory viral infections, have a tendency toward autoimmune diseases, and recover more slowly from infections. This creates an additional burden: the impossibility of allowing oneself to get sick when one needs to care for a child.

Gastrointestinal Tract

Irritable bowel syndrome, gastritis, digestive problems—all these are consequences of the fact that under stress, the body redirects resources from “non-essential” functions to vital ones. Mothers often complain of loss of appetite or, conversely, compulsive overeating.

Reproductive System

Menstrual cycle disruptions, decreased libido, fertility problems—all these are consequences of hormonal imbalance. Many women feel guilty about decreased interest in intimacy, not understanding that this is a natural reaction of the body to stress.

The Phenomenon of the “Functional Mother”: When Motherhood Becomes Work

One of the most common adaptations to trauma is the transition to “functioning” mode. The mother continues to perform her duties but loses emotional presence.

Signs of Functional Motherhood

The mother can cook, help with homework, take the child to the doctor—but all this happens mechanically, without emotional coloring. Children instinctively feel this difference between “the mother who is present” and “the mother who does.”

 

Emotional insensitivity to the child’s needs—not out of indifference, but due to emotional exhaustion. The mother may not notice that the child is sad, anxious, or needs additional support.

Decreased empathy—the ability to put oneself in the child’s place. This is especially painful for teenagers who need understanding and validation of their experiences.

Psychological Defenses

Rationalization: “The main thing is that the children are healthy and safe, the rest doesn’t matter.” This defense helps one survive but blocks access to one’s own emotions.

Projection: “My child is so strong, they understand everything.” The mother attributes her own resilience to the child, not seeing real needs.

Repression: “The past is the past, one must move on.” The attempt not to think about trauma leads to it being “frozen” in the body and psyche.

Intergenerational Transmission of Trauma: How a Mother’s Pain Affects the Child

Children are not passive observers of their mother’s state. They actively read information and adapt to it. This happens on several levels.

Emotional Contagion

Mirror neurons in the child’s brain automatically copy the mother’s emotional states. If the mother is chronically anxious, the child learns anxiety as the norm. If the mother is emotionally “frozen,” the child may develop alexithymia—the inability to recognize and express emotions.

Attunement Disruption

Attunement is the mother’s ability to tune into the child’s emotional state and respond to it adequately. When the mother is stressed, this process is disrupted. The child may cry, and the mother may not respond, or conversely, respond with excessive anxiety.

Changes in Child Behavior

Parentification—the child prematurely takes on the role of an adult, caring for the mother. This is especially characteristic of older children who become “little helpers” and lose the right to their own childhood.

Regression—return to earlier stages of development. The child may start bedwetting, thumb-sucking, speaking in a childish voice.

Somatization—the child expresses emotional pain through the body. Headaches, stomach pains, frequent colds can be a way to attract the attention of a tired mother.

 

Hypervigilance—the child constantly monitors the mother’s mood, trying not to “upset” her. This leads to loss of spontaneity, natural childhood joy.

Cultural and Social Factors Complicating Recovery

The Myth of the “Strong Ukrainian Woman”

The cultural narrative that Ukrainian women “can do everything” and “will always pull through” creates additional pressure. The mother feels that she has no right to weakness, fatigue, or asking for help.

This myth is reinforced by historical examples: women who survived the Holodomor, war, repressions. But it’s important to understand: survival and thriving are different things. What helped one survive may hinder living fully.

Stigmatization of Psychological Problems

In traditional culture, seeking a psychologist is often perceived as a sign of weakness. “There were no psychologists before, but people lived.” This leads to the mother enduring until the last moment and seeking help only in a crisis state.

Language Barrier and Cultural Differences

In a new country, the mother often cannot adequately explain her condition due to language limitations. Moreover, symptoms of depression and anxiety can be expressed differently in different cultures.

Neuroplasticity: Scientific Foundations of Recovery

For a long time, it was believed that the adult human brain is not capable of radical changes. But research on neuroplasticity has shown: the brain can restructure itself throughout life.

Recovery Mechanisms

Neurogenesis—the formation of new neurons—is possible even in adulthood. This process is especially active in the hippocampus with regular physical exercise, meditation, and creativity.

Synaptogenesis—the formation of new connections between neurons—is stimulated by new impressions, learning, and social contacts.

Myelination—improvement of nerve fiber conductivity—occurs with regular practice of new skills.

Conditions for Recovery

Safety—a basic condition for starting recovery. As long as the brain perceives the environment as threatening, it will not switch from survival mode to recovery mode.

 

Social support—a person cannot recover in isolation. Supportive relationships stimulate the production of oxytocin, which promotes recovery.

Routine—regularity of sleep, nutrition, and activity helps stabilize the nervous system.

Body-Oriented Approaches to Trauma

Trauma “lives” in the body, so working with the body is often more effective than purely talk therapy.

Somatic Experiencing

A method developed by Peter Levine, based on the idea that trauma is energy frozen in the body. Through awareness of bodily sensations, one can gradually “unfreeze” and release the traumatic experience.

Basic principles:

• Attention to bodily sensations instead of analyzing events
• Gradual return to a sense of safety
• Working with resources—positive bodily memories

Breathing Practices

Breathing is the only function of the autonomic nervous system that can be consciously controlled. This makes it a powerful tool for self-regulation.

4-7-8 breathing:

• Inhale through the nose for 4 counts
• Hold breath for 7 counts
• Exhale through the mouth for 8 counts

This technique activates the parasympathetic nervous system, responsible for calming.

Movement Therapy

Trauma often “gets stuck” in muscles in the form of chronic tension. Movement helps release this blocked energy.

Especially effective:

• Dancing
• Yoga
• Tai chi and qigong

 

• Simple stretching exercises

Working with Children: How to Help a Child When Mother Is in Crisis

Explanation in the Child’s Language

The child has the right to know what is happening, but the information must be adapted to their age and developmental level.

For preschoolers: “Mommy sometimes gets very tired, but it’s not your fault. Mommy loves you.”

For younger schoolchildren: “When adults experience difficult things, they need time to rest. Like when you’re sick and you need to lie down.”

For teenagers: “Mom is going through a difficult period. This is normal for people who have experienced stress. Mom is getting help.”

Creating Stability

When the mother is unpredictable, the child needs other sources of stability:

• Clear daily routine
• Rituals (reading before bed, joint walks)
• Support from other adults (grandmother, aunt, teacher)

Emotional Validation

The child has the right to their feelings. It’s important not to deny them but to acknowledge them:

“Yes, mommy is really sad today. This doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. Adults can be sad too.”

Partnership and Family Dynamics

The Father’s Role

Often the father is also stressed, but society expects him to be “the pillar.” This can lead to him emotionally distancing himself or, conversely, becoming controlling.

Important:

• Recognize that dad also has the right to support
• Distribute responsibilities realistically

 

• Don’t turn the child into an “arbiter” between parents

When Relationships Are Under Threat

Stress often destroys relationships. Couples who previously supported each other can become a source of additional tension.

Crisis signs:

• Constant conflicts over small things
• Emotional estrangement
• Different views on raising children
• Mutual accusations

Support Systems: What Works and What Doesn’t

Professional Help

Not all types of therapy are equally effective for trauma. Research shows the highest effectiveness:

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)
• Somatic therapy
• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for trauma
• Family therapy

Support Groups

Groups have unique power: the ability to see that “I’m not alone.” Effective groups:

• Have a professional facilitator
• Include women with similar experiences
• Have clear confidentiality rules
• Combine emotional support with practical skills

Spiritual and Religious Resources

Faith can be a powerful resource for recovery, but it can also become a source of additional guilt (“God is punishing me,” “I need to pray more”).

Supportive religious practices:

 

• Prayer as a form of meditation
• Community of believers as social support
• Rituals as a way to create meaning

Practical Tools for Daily Life

“Window of Tolerance” Technique

Developed by psychiatrist Dan Siegel, this concept helps understand when a person is in an optimal state for functioning.

Signs of being within the “window”:

• Ability to think clearly
• Emotional flexibility
• Feeling of connection with others Signs of exiting the “window”:

Hyperactivation: anxiety, panic, anger, chaos Hypoactivation: numbness, alienation, depression “STOP” Technique

A simple technique for moments when you feel you’re losing control:

S (Stop)—stop

T (Take a breath)—take a deep breath

O (Observe)—observe your sensations

P (Proceed)—continue with awareness

Resource Memories

A technique for quick restoration of emotional balance:

• Remember a moment when you felt strong, loved, happy
• Immerse yourself in this memory with all your senses
• Feel how your body responds to this memory
• Use this state as an “anchor” in difficult moments

Long-Term Perspective: From Survival to Thriving

Post-Traumatic Growth

Not all people who have experienced trauma remain its “victims.” Many achieve

post-traumatic growth—a state where life becomes more meaningful and full after a crisis. Signs of growth:

• Deeper, more authentic relationships
• Reevaluation of values
• Sense of one’s own strength
• Spiritual development
• Greater appreciation of ordinary moments

New Identity

The recovery process often includes rethinking oneself. From “I am a victim of circumstances” to “I am a person capable of growing and changing.”

This doesn’t mean denying trauma, but integrating it into a broader story of one’s own life.

Transmitting Experience

Many women who have gone through recovery feel the need to help others. This can become part of one’s own healing—transforming pain into wisdom that can be shared.

“The powerlessness of the strong” is not a sentence but a state that can be changed. Understanding the mechanisms of trauma, access to quality help, and support from others can transform survival into real life. A mother who allows herself to be alive, not just functional, gives her child the most valuable gift—a model of authentic, full existence.