After a forced relocation, caused by war, mama often finds herself in survival mode: she holds on for the child, but inside — emptiness, anxiety or total exhaustion. And it’s only when she begins to “come back to life” that the first space appears for genuine attention to the child — not from the position of “I must”, but of “I can”.

But how exactly to support the child who has already been in a closed, anxious or agitated state for a long time? How to restore trust, contact and help form resilience?

This article discusses tools accessible to mama even without professional psychological training. All that’s needed — is attention, stability and a bit of time. Research in the field of child psychotherapy, neurobiology and trauma shows: it is precisely the stable and benevolent presence of a significant adult that constitutes the most important factor in the child’s recovery after a psychotraumatic experience.

First — stability, not conversations about the war

When mama begins to feel her strength, the first impulse — “talk with the child about everything that happened”. But the child’s psyche protects itself, and often it’s not yet ready to talk. This doesn’t mean that with them “everything is fine” — it’s a sign of emotional overload.

What the child needs at this stage:

Predictability: clear schedule, repetitive events. Even small things matter — the same breakfast time, the common path to school, tidying toys in the evening.

Practical exercise: Compose together with the child a visual schedule of the day. Use colored cards or drawings for each activity. Hang this in a visible place and mark each day what is accomplished. Children perceive information better visually, and this creates a sense of control.

Rituals: small daily “islands of safety”. This can be evening reading, hugs before sleep, a cup of cocoa after school, a common walk with the dog or even a 5-minute morning dance in the kitchen.

Practical exercise: Ask the child: “What do you like most in our daily activities?” Make it a special ritual — add music, a candle, a special cup. Even simple things become magical when there’s constancy and attention.

Emotional and physical presence: being nearby without demands, allowing the child to feel they’re not alone. Sometimes this means simply sitting in the same room, without talking, but demonstrating your availability.

Practical exercise: Method of “silent presence”. When the child plays or draws, sit nearby with your own activity — read a book, knit, work with your phone. Don’t intervene, but look periodically, smile, show that you’re there. This creates a sense of protection without pressure.

The neurobiology of trauma shows that during the stress period, the child’s brain activates “survival mode” (amygdala and hypothalamus system). For it to be able to think, plan, play again, the nervous system must be stabilized — and this is only possible in an atmosphere of calm and safety.

Mama’s task: be a “container of stability” — a calm presence that doesn’t demand explanations, doesn’t rush, but simply is.

Restoring contact through play and common action

Play — it’s not simply entertainment. It’s the natural tool of child self-regulation and processing of experience. Psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott wrote that play — is the space where the child “finds themselves” and restores control over the world.

Through play, the child:

• releases accumulated tension
• restores contact with the body
• lives and rethinks experience (even traumatic — in symbolic form)
• learns safety when mama is in the play

Ideas that work:

Board games without competition: “UNO”, “Jenga”, “Monopoly” — where what’s important is not victories, but contact.

Practical exercise: Create the rule “play for pleasure”. When someone wins, everyone together says: “How interesting it was to play!” Change the rules along the way if the child is saddened by defeat. The essential — laughter and common time.

Drawing without expectations: give the child a sheet and simply say: “Draw as you want. It’s only for you”.

Practical exercise: Technique of “blind drawing”. Close your eyes and draw abstract lines, then open and search together for images in the obtained forms. This diminishes perfectionism and adds amusement.

Common cooking: knead dough, decorate cookies, cut fruits — simple routine that creates a sense of unity.

Practical exercise: Prepare together a “secret dish” — this can be a sandwich with unusual ingredients or a juice cocktail. Invent a name and a “recipe” for it. Children love to feel like co-authors.

Materials for sensory play: sand, water, modeling with dough, slime — activate bodily processing of stress.

Practical exercise: Create a “sensory box” with rice, beans, small toys. The child can sort, search for treasures, bury their hands. This soothes the nervous system and develops tactile sensitivity.

Bodily-sensory activities activate the prefrontal cortex of the brain, reduce cortisol level, stabilize attention and help bring the child back “into the present moment”.

Even 15 minutes of truly engaged presence per day — it’s like a drop of warmth that melts the ice in the frozen child’s soul.

Words that heal: how to speak to soothe

In moments of vulnerability, the child doesn’t search for answers, but for an emotional mirror: “Do they see me? Do they understand how I feel?”

Try these phrases:

• “I’m We’re together. And that’s — the essential”
• “One can be angry, sad, It’s normal”
• “I see that it’s difficult for And I’m with you in this”
• “We both were But we’re already here. And we’ll recover step by step”
• “Your feelings are Tell me about them”

Practical exercise: Technique of “emotional mirror”. When the child is upset, repeat their emotion with words: “I see that you’re angry because you didn’t succeed at…” Don’t try to immediately solve the problem — first show that you understand.

These are the so-called “verbal hugs” — they form a new experience of safety.

Avoid phrases that provoke shame or suppression of emotions:

• “Don’t make things up!”
• “You must be strong!”
• “Enough playing — you need to be serious!”
• “Other children manage better”
• “Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill”

Practical exercise: Instead of forbidden phrases, use reformulation. For example: instead of “Don’t shout!” say “I hear that you’re very upset. Let’s find a way to say this more softly”. This acknowledges feelings but proposes another way out.

According to research by Dan Siegel (2001), the formation of secure attachment includes “co-regulation” — when the adult soothes the child’s emotions through their words, tone, facial expressions.

Physical proximity — basis of the sense of safety

Touch — it’s the first language the child learns even before words. And in conditions of post-traumatic experience, the child’s body often remains tense, even if emotions are no longer visible.

How to act:

• hug, if the child permits it
• hold the hand on the way home
• sit nearby when they read or watch something
• lie down together 5 minutes before sleep
• do a light back or head massage

Practical exercise: Game “Hugs in different ways”. Invent different types of hugs — bear (strong), bird (tender), quick (for 3 seconds), long (for 30 seconds). The child can choose which hugs they need at a concrete moment.

Practical exercise: Technique of “common breathing”. Lie down nearby and breathe synchronously. Place the child’s hand on your chest so they feel your rhythm. This helps synchronize nervous systems.

Touch stimulates the release of oxytocin — hormone of trust and attachment. It also reduces cortisol level, which is particularly important after prolonged stress or separation.

Important: Always ask permission. Some children after trauma may not want touch, and that’s normal. Respect their boundaries.

Resource practices for the child

These small daily practices help gradually restore the sense of control, stability and joy.

Self-care rituals:

“What was good today?” — ask before sleep. This accustoms the child to search for positive moments, which strengthens self-confidence.

Practical exercise: Create the ritual of “three good things”. Each in turn names three positive moments of the day. They can be very small: “Good breakfast”, “Sun at the window”, “Mama’s hugs”. Write them down in a special notebook.

“Joy journal” — let the child draw or write each day one thing that pleased them.

Practical exercise: Make a “joy jar”. Each day, write on a paper something good and put it in the jar. Once a week, read together all the papers. This creates a sense of accumulation of positive memories.

Morning stretches or dance with music charges well and sets positively for the whole day.

Practical exercise: Create a “morning playlist” with 3-4 favorite songs of the child. Each morning, play it and move together — it can be dance, stretches or simply waving arms.

Grounding practices:

• Method: When the child is anxious or overexcited, guide them through this exercise:

• 5 things you see
• 4 things you hear
• 3 things you feel with the body
• 2 things you smell with the nose
• 1 thing you taste

Practical exercise: Transform this into a game. For example: “Let’s be detectives and find 5 blue things in the room”, “Let’s listen to what sounds come from the street”, “How is this pillow to the touch?”. This brings the child back to the present moment.

Drawing of circle “what is in me now” — in each sector the child chooses a color and a mood.

Practical exercise: Draw a circle and divide it into 4-6 parts. The child colors each part with a color corresponding to their mood. Then they tell why they chose exactly this color. This helps become aware of emotions.

Anti-stress:

Listening to tales in the evening (useful will be those with therapeutic elements).

Practical exercise: Create your own tales about a hero resembling your child, who overcomes difficulties. For example: “Once upon a time there was a brave rabbit who moved to a new forest…” The child can add details to the story.

Create a “place of calm”: blanket, night light, cushion, toy, scent.

Practical exercise: Arrange together a special corner. The child chooses themselves what they put there. This can be a tent of sheets, a hammock, simply some cushions. Establish the rule: when the child is there — don’t disturb them.

What to do with online games as a form of escape

Games — it’s not evil. They are often — a means to save oneself. But if the child is completely in the virtual world, it’s a signal that the real world is too painful or boring.

What to observe:

• What exactly attracts: control, safety, victory, communication?
• Are there friends offline?
• How do they react to attempts to limit the game?

• Have sleep, appetite, mood changed?

What to do:

Don’t remove abruptly — this will only intensify isolation.

Practical exercise: Propose a “game contract”. Determine together: how much time per day, after which activities, which days. Let the child participate themselves in creating the rules — this diminishes resistance.

Propose an alternative: “Do you want us to do together something else cool?” — not a punishment, but an alternative.

Practical exercise: Create an “entertainment menu” — list of 20-30 activities that can be done instead of playing. The child chooses themselves from the list. Include everything: from “build a fortress with cushions” to “prepare a cocktail”.

Discuss rules: “Game — after movement/tasks/common dinner”.

Practical exercise: Method “first-then”. Create a visual schema: “First we do homework, then we play 1 hour”, “First walk, then game”. This helps the child see the structure of the day.

Game addiction often replaces the absence of control in reality. Give back to the child control over life — in small things, in choices, in respect of their emotions.

How to recognize that the child begins to recover

Recovery happens gradually and in a non-linear way. There can be “difficult” days even after “good” days. This is normal.

Positive signs:

• The child has started to laugh (even rarely)
• Interest in new things has appeared
• Sleep has improved
• They’ve started to tell about their day
• They manifest initiative in play or activities
• They avoid less physical contact
• They’ve started to eat more or eat with appetite

Alarm signals (when specialist’s help is necessary):

• Nightmares that don’t diminish for a month
• Total refusal to communicate for more than 2-3 weeks

• Aggression that intensifies
• Self-destructive behavior
• Return to childish behavior (enuresis, need for a bottle, )

Practical exercise: Keep a simple observation journal. Note the good moments and the difficult ones. This will help see the dynamics and understand what works.

Taking care of yourself — it’s taking care of the child

The child senses your state. If you’re at the limit, they’ll be tense too. Your recovery — it’s not selfishness, but a necessity.

Simple means to support yourself:

• 10 minutes per day only for you
• Contact with friends/loved ones
• Walk without the child (if there’s someone to leave them with)
• Favorite music in headphones
• Hot bath after the child has fallen asleep

Practical exercise: Create your “lifeline list” — 10 things that quickly improve your mood. Use them without guilt.

Remember: You’re not obliged to be a perfect mama.

The child’s recovery — it’s not only about the psychologist. Often — it’s about the mama who step by step comes back to life herself and creates a space of stability, attention and warmth.

There are no magic words. But there is daily constancy, calm, empathy. And even if it seems that the child is “far away”, they see you. They feel each touch, intonation, instant of common presence.

And they’re waiting for you.

The essential — it’s not perfection, but presence. Not speed, but constancy. Not grand gestures, but daily attention. Each small step matters, and you’re managing better than it seems to you.