The war in Ukraine forced millions to leave their native places. Often, children were evacuated hastily, without explanations, in a state of shock — together with mothers who were themselves in a state of loss, fear and exhaustion. In such circumstances, the child not only loses their home, but also temporarily — their strong mother, who was their support.
But how exactly does a child experience and adapt to the loss? Does it depend on age? And what does it mean when a child withdraws, stops playing, speaks less or, on the contrary, plays computer games around the clock?
Preschoolers (2–6 years): need for mother and routine
At this age, the child does not yet possess inner stability. They cannot comprehend abstract events like “emigration” or “war”, but immediately read the mother’s emotional state. If the mother is stressed, the child perceives this as a threat to existence.
Neurobiology of preschool stress
The brain of a 2-6 year old child is at the stage of intensive formation of neural connections. The prefrontal cortex, responsible for emotional regulation and planning, is not yet formed. Therefore, the child cannot “understand” the situation logically — they react exclusively on an emotional level.
Research by neurobiologist Bruce Perry shows that in preschool children, the stress reaction is activated not so much by the event itself, but by the reaction of the attachment figure.
When the mother panics, the child’s brain receives the signal: “The world is dangerous, one must survive.”
Typical reactions and their neuropsychological foundations
Developmental regression: enuresis, loss of speech, need for pacifier or hugs like in infants. These are not “whims”, but ways the brain returns to a previous, safer stage of development. When new skills require energy, the brain “saves” resources by returning to automatic reactions.
Somatization of emotions: headaches, stomach aches, nausea without medical causes. Preschool children cannot yet verbalize complex emotions, so they experience them bodily. This is related to the fact that the emotional centers of the brain develop earlier than language centers.
Hypersensitivity to separation: a child may panic when mother goes to the store. This activates an ancient survival program — in a dangerous situation, separation from the caregiver means death.
Psychoanalytic approach of Donald Winnicott
Psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott wrote: “The mother is not simply a person, she is an environment.” When the environment is destroyed, the child’s psyche “rolls back” to previous phases. Winnicott introduced the concept of “good enough mother” — one who is not perfect, but stable enough and sensitive to the child’s needs.
In migration conditions, it is important not to be “the perfect mother”, but to be “good enough”
— that is, sufficiently present and predictable for the child.
Practical tools for preschoolers
Rituals as neurological anchors
The child’s brain memorizes not logic, but the sequence of actions. When actions are repeated, stable neural pathways are created that signal safety.
Exercise “Our three daily moments”: Choose 3 actions that are stably repeated: “We always drink cocoa after kindergarten”, “We always read a fairy tale before bed”, “We always get dressed together in the morning”. Children don’t understand calendars, but they understand repetition.
Add sensory elements: a warm cup of cocoa, a favorite blanket for reading, a special song for morning dressing. Sensory memories are stored in the oldest parts of the brain and create the strongest sense of security.
Narrative therapy through fairy tales
Research by Professor M. Arendt (2015) confirms that narrative therapy (therapy through stories) reduces childhood anxiety by 30–40% in crisis conditions.
Exercise “Fairy tale about the little bear”: Tell a story about a character who left home and is looking for a new one. In moments of anxiety, the child identifies with the hero. It is important that the fairy tale has a structure: loss – journey – finding a new home – happiness.
Technique “Continuation fairy tales”: every evening add new adventures of the hero. This gives the child the feeling that the story – like their own life – has a continuation.
Regulation through touch and voice
Container phrases: “You are safe. I am here.” — say this daily. Don’t expect the child to “understand” — expect them to feel it. Repetition of the phrase creates an auditory anchor of safety.
Technique “Mother’s heartbeat”: when the child falls asleep, place their ear on your heart. The heartbeat rhythm – the first sound the child heard in the womb – is the most powerful calming stimulus.
Exercise “Breathing together”: synchronize your breathing with the child’s, gradually slowing it down. This activates mirror neurons and helps the child regulate their state.
Younger schoolchildren (7–10 years): desire to understand and be “normal”
This is the age of cognitive revolution. The child begins to think logically, but still needs external structure. Important aspects are “normality” and social acceptance. The child begins to form a notion of their identity through comparison with others. In a new environment, they often feel like an outsider.
Developmental psychology of younger schoolchildren
According to Erik Erikson’s theory, children aged 6-12 go through the stage “competence versus inferiority”. They need a sense of competence and recognition. Migration destroys
this competence — suddenly the child cannot communicate in the language, doesn’t know the rules of the new school, doesn’t understand cultural codes.
Jean Piaget’s research shows that at this age, the child transitions from preoperational thinking to concrete operational thinking. They begin to understand cause-and-effect relationships, but still need concrete examples.
Typical reactions and their psychological mechanisms
Language regression: the child may refuse to speak their native language, be ashamed of their accent. This is not a betrayal of culture, but an attempt at social adaptation. The child’s brain seeks to “merge” with the peer group for survival.
Academic maladaptation: learning difficulties or sabotaging school assignments. When the child cannot show their competence due to the language barrier, they may choose the strategy “better not to try than to try and fail.”
Digital dependency: excessive sitting on phones or games. This may be a way to avoid social contacts that cause anxiety, or to find control in the virtual world.
UNICEF research on refugee children
UNICEF research (2023) shows: 40% of Ukrainian refugee children in Europe face bullying or social isolation. The most vulnerable group — 8–10 years. This is related to the fact that children of this age already understand social differences, but don’t yet have skills to overcome them.
What helps younger schoolchildren
Creating a structured environment
Research by the Child Trauma Academy (2020) shows: increased structure of the day reduces cortisol levels in children by 27% after traumatic events.
Exercise “Map of my new day”: Draw together with the child their day in the form of sequential blocks: waking up, breakfast, school, break, returning home, play, communication. Allow the child to influence: “And what would you like to add?”
Technique “Color planning”: assign each type of activity its own color. School — blue, home
— green, friends — yellow. Create a visual schedule that the child can control. Development of sense of competence
Game “My superpower”: Ask the child to name 3 things they do well, even in a new country: “I helped mom”, “I found the classroom myself”, “I learned a new word”. Draw together a “superhero badge” with these traits.
Portfolio of achievements: create an album where the child can put their drawings, photos, certificates. This forms visual confirmation of their competence.
Technique “Expert from Ukraine”: give the child the opportunity to tell about Ukraine in class, teach classmates a Ukrainian song or show how borsch is cooked. This transforms “otherness” into an advantage.
Validation of emotions
Permission to be sad: “You can miss your class. That’s normal.” “You don’t have to love the new school right away.” Permission for sadness — the foundation of adaptation.
Technique “Letters to old friends”: even if the letters won’t be sent, the process of writing them helps the child process the loss and preserve connection with the past.
Adolescents (11–17 years): rebellion, isolation or hyperadaptation
Adolescents think almost like adults, but don’t yet have a stable “self”. Loss of home for them
— is also loss of status, dreams, friends, freedom. They either rebel or withdraw.
Neurobiology of the adolescent brain
The adolescent brain experiences the second wave of neuroplasticity. The limbic system (emotional center) develops faster than the prefrontal cortex (control center). This explains emotional instability and tendency toward risky behavior.
Research by neurobiologist Laurence Steinberg shows that adolescents have heightened sensitivity to social rejection. For them, social rejection activates the same pain centers in the brain as physical trauma.
Typical reactions of adolescents in migration
Identity rebellion: aggression, refusal to interact, phrases “whatever”, “I don’t need anything”. This is not evil or disrespect, but an attempt to protect their identity, which feels threatened.
Social isolation: immersion in social networks, online games, avoiding real contacts. The virtual world gives the illusion of control and social connections without risk of rejection.
Hyperadaptation: some adolescents go the opposite way — become “too good”, perfectionists, try to “earn” acceptance through achievements.
Research on refugee adolescents
Research by the Refugee Trauma Initiative (2022) shows: 56% of refugee adolescents had signs of emotional burnout after 6 months of relocation, especially those who did not receive support in preserving identity.
It is important to understand: adolescents experience not only geographical loss, but also loss of their “social self”. They lose status, reputation, place in the peer group — all that which is the foundation of adolescent identity.
What helps adolescents
Support groups and social integration
Adolescents need not so much parental support as understanding from peers. Look for groups of adolescents with similar experience.
Support formats: joint film discussions, creative workshops, volunteer actions, sports sections. It is important that these are places where you don’t have to “share” your experiences, but can be among your own.
Project “Peer mentor”: find an adolescent who has already lived in the country for a year or two and can share experience. For adolescents, the authority of a peer is often more important than an adult.
Psychoeducation and self-understanding
Exercise “My brain under stress”: Show a simple diagram: the brain has a part for emotions (limbic system) and a part for logic (frontal lobes). Under stress, logic switches off. Helps the adolescent understand themselves instead of being ashamed of their reactions.
Technique “Emotion journal”: keep a diary where you record not events, but emotions. “Today I felt…”, “This reminded me of…”, “I would like…”. This develops emotional intelligence and reflection.
Restoration of sense of control
Adolescents especially acutely experience loss of control over their life. It is important to give them the opportunity to influence their situation.
Projects with visible results: volunteering at an animal shelter, filming a short video about their city, participation in school initiatives, creating a blog about migration experience. This gives a sense of usefulness and control.
Technique “Future map”: ask the adolescent to draw or describe how they see themselves in a year, two years, five years. This helps restore a sense of perspective.
Preservation of cultural identity
Project “Cultural ambassador”: give the adolescent the opportunity to represent Ukrainian culture in the new school or community. This transforms “otherness” into dignity.
Creative projects: writing stories about Ukraine, creating a photo project about Ukrainians in the new country, organizing Ukrainian evenings. Creativity helps integrate experience and find meaning in what was experienced.
Gaming dependency: symptom or escape?
Excessive gaming — is not a cause, but a symptom. For a child, this may be the only way to maintain the illusion of control, a safe world and structure.
Psychology of gaming addiction in migrant children
Research by Anderson et al. (2021) shows: 80% of children who experienced traumatic events use digital games as a coping mechanism. This is not addiction, but an attempt to cope.
What games give the child in crisis:
- Predictability: the game is always logical, rules don’t change
- Control: you can restart, change decisions, “win”
- Achievement: levels, rewards, sense of progress
- Sociality: online friends who don’t know about your “otherness”
- Escape: ability to “switch off” pain and anxiety
Neurobiology of gaming addiction
Games activate the brain’s reward system through dopamine. In children who experienced trauma, this system is disrupted — they need more stimulation to obtain pleasure. Games give a quick dopamine “hit” that temporarily improves mood.
Approaches to working with excessive gaming time
Don’t fight the game, understand its function
Instead of conflicts, try to understand what exactly the game gives the child:
- Ask: “What do you like most about this game?”
- Then: “How do you feel after it?”
- “What would happen if the game disappeared forever?”
Technique “Game mapping”: ask the child to tell about their game as if you know nothing about it. This helps understand what needs the game satisfies.
Setting boundaries through cooperation
Exercise “Time frame”: Together create an agreement: “We play after school for 1 hour, then dinner, then another 30 minutes”. Important: agree together — don’t command.
Technique “Choice timer”: let the child set the timer for gaming time themselves. This gives a sense of control while maintaining boundaries.
Gradual reduction: don’t take away games abruptly, gradually reduce time, replacing it with other activities.
Alternatives that satisfy the same needs
Look for activities that give similar experiences:
- Control: robotics, programming, creating models
- Achievement: sports, music, art with possibility of progress
- Sociality: group hobbies, volunteering, theater studios
- Creativity: creating comics, animation, video editing
Technique “Skills transfer”: if the child plays strategy games well, suggest chess or other board games. If they like action — martial arts or parkour.
Age crises and their peculiarities in migration
Each age has its own developmental crises, which in migration conditions can intensify.
Crisis of three years in migration
This is usually the time of autonomy formation: “I myself!” In migration conditions, the child may either slow down this process (return to symbiosis with mother), or conversely, prematurely “mature.”
Support: give the child the opportunity to control small things — what to eat for breakfast, which t-shirt to wear, which park to go to.
Crisis of seven years in migration
This is the transition to school age, formation of the position of student. Migration can complicate this transition due to language and cultural differences.
Support: create at home a “school corner” where the child can do homework and feel like a real student. Be interested not only in grades, but also in relationships in class.
Adolescent crisis in migration
This is usually the time of separation from parents and searching for one’s place among peers. Migration can complicate this process through loss of the familiar social environment.
Support: give the adolescent more freedom in choice of friends, hobbies, clothing style. This helps restore the sense of control over their life.
Long-term adaptation: cultural integration
Adaptation — is not a one-time event, but a process that can last years. It is important to understand the stages of this process and support the child at each of them.
Models of cultural adaptation
John Berry’s acculturation model distinguishes four adaptation strategies:
- Integration: preservation of one’s own culture + assimilation of the new
- Assimilation: loss of one’s own culture + complete assimilation of the new
- Separation: preservation only of one’s own culture
- Marginalization: loss of one’s own culture without assimilation of the new
The healthiest is the integration strategy, which allows the child to preserve their identity while adapting to the new environment.
Stages of adaptation over time
Honeymoon (1-3 months): everything new seems interesting, there is much energy for exploration. The child may seem adapted, but this is superficial adaptation.
Culture shock (3-12 months): reality turns out more complex than expectations. Peak of anxiety, dissatisfaction, possible depressive reactions.
Gradual adaptation (1-2 years): new habits form, first real friends appear, the value system of the new society becomes clearer.
Bicultural competence (2-3 years): the child learns to successfully function in two cultures simultaneously, switching between them depending on the situation.
Support of cultural identity
Creating “cultural islands”: allocate space at home for Ukrainian culture — books, music, photos, household items. This helps the child preserve connection with roots.
Bilingualism as a resource: research shows that bilinguals have better developed abstract thinking and creativity. Present knowledge of two languages as an advantage, not a problem.
Culinary therapy: cook traditional Ukrainian dishes together. This not only preserves cultural memory, but also creates positive shared memories.
Exercise “Cultural bridge”: ask the child to find similarities between Ukrainian and the new culture. This helps integrate experience instead of opposition.
Harvard Center on the Developing Child research:
The strongest factor in recovery after trauma — at least one stable adult who believes in the child and supports them daily.
Emigration is not only geographical loss. For a child, it is also loss of self-image, stability, emotional world.
But if nearby — an attentive, alive adult who sees and holds — this can become an experience of growth.
The child’s age matters. But even more important is our ability to be nearby — truly.