About Silence in a Couple

Sometimes no tenderness remains in the chats. Only dry: “how are you?”, “did the little one sleep?”, “were there sirens?”. At first there were tears, embraces at the station, daily calls. And then — silence.

This silence — it’s not about betrayal. Not about indifference. It’s often about exhaustion, pain, and the inability to bear reality. In the couple arises a feeling that “the connection still exists”, but its meaning blurs. Silence becomes a habit. Losses — daily. And in this silence one can lose each other not only physically, but also emotionally.

War changes people at the cellular level. It reconfigures neural connections, forces the brain to work in survival mode. When adrenaline and cortisol become constant companions, emotional closeness begins to be perceived as a luxury one cannot afford. This is not selfishness — this is self-preservation instinct.

Silence in a couple during war has a special nature. It is born from pain that is difficult to verbalize. How do you tell about seeing the ruins of your home?

How do you describe the feeling when you hear the sound of a rocket? How do you explain that each day of survival distances you from who you were before?

The Transformation of a Woman Abroad

Evacuation, uncertainty, foreign language, bureaucracy, new school for the child, searching for housing, attempts to find work — all this falls on the shoulders of the woman who was forced to leave her home. She becomes a pillar, rear and front simultaneously.

But gradually she begins to discover something else: that she can make decisions herself, that she has a right to freedom and development, that into her days weaves a new role — of an independent, strong, adapted woman.

Stages of Transformation

First stage — shock and disorientation. The woman finds herself in a state of suspended animation. She functions automatically: fills out documents, settles

children, searches for housing. Emotions are frozen, all forces directed toward survival. At this stage, the connection with the partner is often the only thread holding her in reality.

Second stage — adaptation. After a few months, the woman begins to settle in. She learns the language, finds work, creates new social connections.

Children go to school, routine appears. And suddenly she understands: “I can. I’m managing. I’m stronger than I thought”.

Third stage — rethinking. The woman looks at her life “before” and understands how many limitations she imposed on herself. Perhaps she lived for years in her husband’s shadow, considering it normal. Now she makes decisions independently, feels her own significance, discovers new sides of her personality.

Fourth stage — integration. She is no longer the woman who left Ukraine. She is — a new version of herself. Stronger, more experienced, more independent. And this creates an internal conflict: what to do with that life that remained “there”? How to return to a relationship that was built on the old version of oneself?

Internal Conflicts

The woman abroad often feels guilt for developing while her partner suffers. She may hide her achievements, minimize successes, try not to “shine” too brightly. This is a destructive mechanism that creates even greater distance.

At the same time, she may feel anger toward her partner for “not understanding” her new reality. When she tells about her achievements and hears in response: “Good that you’re having fun there, while I’m here…” — it wounds deeply.

The Inner World of Men Who Remained

The man who remains in Ukraine often experiences an internal collapse of roles: he must be strong, steadfast, calm. But his world is also falling apart.

Men at the Front

The one who fights lives in a parallel universe where death is daily reality. He sees how brothers-in-arms die, feels the pain of losses on himself, confronts horror that cannot be explained to a civilian. His psyche works in survival

mode: emotions become dulled, sensitivity decreases, the ability for empathy may temporarily disappear.

When he calls home and hears about everyday problems — a broken faucet, the child won’t eat, it’s hard to find work — it may seem like trivialities to him. Not because he doesn’t love, but because his scale of problems has radically changed.

At the same time, he may feel acute loneliness. Around him — equally traumatized men, with whom one can talk about equipment, tactics, but not about feelings. Emotional support remains taboo, and the need for it — sharper than ever.

Men in the Rear

Those who remained in the rear often feel guilty for not fighting. They may compensate for this through excessive work, volunteering, attempts to “be useful”. But the internal conflict doesn’t disappear.

Their role as breadwinner and protector of the family is called into question. The wife manages abroad, perhaps even better than they expected. Children adapt, learn new languages, make friends. And the man begins to feel that he is not needed.

The Crisis of Masculinity

Traditional male roles — protector, breadwinner, family leader — during war and forced separation lose their relevance. The man cannot physically protect the family because it’s not nearby. Cannot be the main breadwinner because the wife earns herself. Cannot make decisions because the family’s life flows in another country whose realities he doesn’t understand.

This creates a deep existential crisis. Who is he now? What is his role? Is he needed at all? These questions can lead to depression, aggression, or conversely — to complete apathy.

Key Conflicts That Destroy Closeness

Different Experience of War

War — is not only events, it’s a way of life. The woman abroad daily fights for survival in a new reality. The man in Ukraine daily faces threat, instability, loss.

For her, war is:

• Loss of home, habitual life, social connections
• The necessity to start from zero in a foreign country
• Constant stress of adaptation
• Responsibility for children in an unfamiliar environment
• Language barrier, cultural differences
• Dependence on others’ help For him, war is:
• Constant threat to life (his own and loved ones’)
• Destruction of the habitual order
• Loss of control over the situation
• Impossibility to protect the family
• Traumatic events difficult to verbalize
• Loneliness amid chaos

These two realities are so different that it’s hard for people to understand each other’s experiences. She says: “It’s hard for me to settle in here”, and he hears: “You’re doing well there, and I’m suffering here”. He says: “Here every day could be the last”, and she hears: “Your problems are nothing compared to mine”.

The Asymmetry of Growth and Stagnation

One of the most painful aspects of separation at distance — is the different speed of personal changes. The woman abroad goes through an accelerated course of maturing. She learns to be independent, make decisions, bear responsibility. Every day brings new challenges that demand growth from her.

The man, remaining in a familiar (though destroyed) environment, can get stuck at one point. This especially concerns those who are not at the front. They live in a waiting mode: when the war will end, when the family will return, when everything will be “like before”.

This imbalance creates tension. She develops, and he stands still. After a year of separation, they may discover that they’ve become completely different people who speak different languages and live in different realities.

The Problem of Different Life Time Zones

Not only geographical, but also emotional time difference. When it’s morning for her and she’s set for her workday, he may be having a crisis moment.

When she wants to share joy from a small success, he may be in a state where any joy seems unacceptable.

This asynchrony gradually destroys the emotional connection. People begin to live in different rhythms, and finding common ground becomes increasingly difficult.

The Absence of Touch and Closeness

The body remembers. It remembers embraces, kisses, touches. But the body’s memory is not eternal. After several months without physical contact, the organism begins to adapt to its absence. This is not betrayal — this is biology.

Physiological aspects:

• Decrease in oxytocin levels — the attachment hormone
• Gradual decrease in libido
• Change in perception of one’s own body
• Loss of habit of intimacy Psychological consequences:
• Fear of future closeness
• Guilt for the disappearance of desire
• Fantasies about other people
• Loneliness that is not compensated by communication

It’s especially difficult for women who find themselves in a new environment. They may feel attention from other men, and this can cause confusion. Not

because they want betrayal, but because their body remembers how pleasant it is to receive attention.

Each of the partners tries to share their pain, but does so ineffectively. He tells about the horrors of war, not understanding that she cannot excuse them. She complains about adaptation difficulties, not realizing that to him it sounds like “I’m doing well there”.

Instead of support, they exchange traumas, and this destroys the relationship. Pain becomes competitive: whoever suffers more has the right to understanding.

The Dynamics of Communication: From Closeness to Formality

The First Months: Hypercommunication

At first, couples try to compensate for distance with the quantity of communication. They call several times a day, write long messages, share every detail. This is the period when it seems that love will conquer all.

But hypercommunication exhausts. The constant need to be “in touch” becomes a burden. People begin to feel that they’re not living their own life, but a life for the camera, for calls, for reports.

The Middle: Communication Fatigue

After a few months, fatigue appears. Telling about one’s day becomes routine. Listening to the other’s problems — an obligation. Emotional closeness is replaced by formality.

“How are things?” — “Fine”. “How are the kids?” — “Good”. “How’s work?” — “As always”. Conversations become shorter and shorter, pauses — more, the unsaid — deeper.

The Final Stage: Silence

Eventually comes silence. Not aggressive, not offensive — just empty. People understand that they have nothing to talk about. Their realities have diverged so much that no common topics remain.

This silence — is not the end of love. It’s the end of shared life. People may still love each other, but can no longer live together, even at a distance.

Psychological Defense Mechanisms

Couples often begin to idealize what was “before the war”. They remember only good moments, forgetting conflicts, dissatisfaction, problems. This creates unrealistic expectations about the future reunion.

Everything happening now is evaluated as temporary, wrong, forced. “This is not real life”, “this is not the real me”, “when it all ends, everything will return”. Such an approach doesn’t allow accepting reality and adapting to it.

Couples make plans for the future without accounting for how they will change. They plan to return to the old life but don’t understand that the old life no longer exists, and a new one needs to be built from scratch.

Parent-Child Relationships at Distance

Children who ended up with one parent in a new country go through their own difficult path. They may:

• Feel guilt for adapting faster than mom
• Experience loyalty conflict between parents
• Take on excessive responsibility for the mother’s emotional state
• Be angry at the father for “abandoning” them

Sometimes the child becomes emotional support for the mother. This is wrong and harmful for the child’s psyche, but often inevitable. The woman who lost the partner’s support may unconsciously transfer this role to the child.

Children may idealize the father who remained in Ukraine. He becomes a hero, savior, ideal father. This complicates the relationship with the mother who daily deals with real problems.

Ways to Save the Relationship

The first step — honest recognition that the relationship has changed forever. Not “while the war lasts”, but forever. The person who has gone through war, evacuation, adaptation in a new country can no longer be as before.

This doesn’t mean the relationship must necessarily end. But it must transform. Partners must get to know each other anew, as new people.

Instead of trying to bring back the old, one should build the new. This can be:

• Joint planning of the future taking into account new realities
• Creation of new traditions and rituals
• Search for new common interests
• Development of new forms of closeness

Both partners are traumatized — each in their own way. It’s important not to compare traumas, but to recognize their existence. Trauma needs professional help, and this is not weakness, but necessity.

Work options:

• Individual therapy for each of the partners
• Couples therapy online
• Support groups for couples separated by war
• Body-oriented therapy for restoring contact with one’s own body

Old ways of communication may not work. One needs to learn to talk about one’s new experiences, needs, fears. This requires time and practice.

Principles of new communication:

• Talk about oneself, not about the partner
• Share feelings, not thoughts
• Listen with the goal to understand, not to respond
• Acknowledge the difference of experience without trying to equalize it

Restoring Physical Closeness

Even at a distance one can maintain physical connection:

• Virtual dates with emphasis on sensuality
• Exchange of photos that remind of physical closeness
• Joint watching of films with erotic subtext
• Conversations about sexual fantasies and desires

It’s important to remember: physical closeness — is not only sex. It’s also touches, embraces, kisses. One can find ways to “embrace” each other through the screen.

When the Relationship Cannot Be Saved

Sometimes the relationship truly cannot be saved. Signs of this:

• Complete absence of emotional response to the partner
• Constant irritation from communication
• Fantasies about life without the partner
• Loss of respect for the partner
• Appearance of strong feelings for another person

If the Relationship Survived

Returning after a long separation — is not a reunion celebration, but the beginning of a new stage of the relationship. People have changed, and they need time to get used to each other again.

What can help:

• Slow restoration of closeness
• Conversations about what was experienced
• Creation of new shared memories
• Patience with each other

If the Relationship Did Not Survive

If the relationship did not survive, the return can be especially painful. It’s important to:

• Preserve the dignity of all participants in the situation
• Take care of the children
• Not turn the divorce into war
• Recognize each person’s right to happiness

War — is not the cause of the breakup. It only highlights what has long been wavering. Some couples will flourish in crisis — because they learn to speak, listen, build new forms of closeness. Others — will honestly say: we are no longer a couple. And that will also be a mature decision.

Love — is not only being together. It’s also giving each other the right to be oneself, even if these “selves” are no longer compatible. War changes people, and that’s normal. What’s important is not to fear these changes, but to learn to live with them.

Most importantly — remember that after any crisis comes a new life. Perhaps it will be completely different from what it was before. But it can be happy. In a new way, but happy.